Hello/Goodbye: Looking Forward to 2012

Time truly does fly when you're having fun. This past year has come and gone by so quickly. Looking back at 2011 I see growth, grace, and fruit. I was such a young Christian at the beginning of last year, and it is amazing to look back and see how the Lord, has molded and shaped me, a sinful wretch, for His glory.  He is my first love, and He is so faithful, even when I fail.

2011 brings me so much joy, as I look at how full it was. I started meeting with a prayer group with 5 other women, finished my first year of college, started a small group with 3 other women, and cultivated friendships that will last forever. 

Gods grace has been evidenced to me each day that I have had to live this past year, and I am nothing but thankful.

But as much joy and fruit this year has brought, I look back and see my continued need for a Savior. Each and every day I HAVE to rely on Him to be my strength and portion, or else I will fail.......miserably. I see my own sinful heart and how many times I listen to it, and wander.

 My prayer for this year is the same prayer David prays in Psalm 139

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! 

   Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me, 

 and lead me in the way everlasting!"

Its important for me to always have a spiritual game plan and be prepared -- or else I will be easily distracted or lose sight of the true destination or purpose.

Some of my goals for 2012::

+ Cultivate a greater discipline with Scripture Memory

+ grow in evangelism

+ quick to hear and slow to speak

+ cultivate a more gentle and quiet spirit

+ be more discerning 

[and on the practical side...]

+ re-do my room

+ read 100 books

 + travel

+ finish my AA degree//start culinary school

But ultimately my only goal is to be more saturated with Christ each day

"To live is Christ and die is gain."

Philippians 1:21

:: One Year ::

I really don't know where to being writing this post. There is so much I could say, but really one sentence sums it all up; "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God"
[[Ephesians 2:8]].

365 days ago I was dead.
I loved being dead, spending time with people who were dead, and I was running as fast as I could to eternal death. 

One year ago, when I stepped onto the bus headed to Glorietta, New Mexico, for what I knew to be my final time going there as a student in Oneighty, I anticipated a few things; getting to spend the week with my friends and boyfriend, playing games, and just the overall 'fun' that is summer camp. Unaware as to what that week would truly bring, and how it would change my life forever. Eighteen hours later, we arrived and thus began the check in routine that was oh-so-familiar. The normal camp routine began; unpacking, eating meals, teaching, small groups, games, rain, injuries, laughing and minimal amounts of sleep.

On the morning of July 28th, halfway through the week, Rick Holland preached a message entitled "Uneclipsing the Son" (which has now blossomed into a book, you can buy that here; I highly recommend it.) His point was to challenge us by asking the questions "What is blocking you from the full splendor and glory of Jesus Christ?" and "What sins are you holding on to that are inhibiting you from either growth, or true salvation?". I knew the answer immediately. As soon as it popped into my head I began to rationalize; groping around in the dark to try to find an excuse to keep my sin, and appease my conscience. I didn't find one satisfactory, so i simply put the thought out of my mind. 

That night, the staff surprised us by announcing that Christian rapper 'Lecrae' was there to preform. I went into the performance, and after finishing the first song, he started talking to us. Explaining how we hold on so tightly to the things of the world, thinking they will give us happiness and worth; some sort of meaning and satisfaction. Urging those in the crowd to repent who had not found their identity in Christ. I knew he was talking to me and about me. Finally, after seventeen years of living for self, my eyes were opened to see that I wasn't truly a follower of Christ. I loved stuff, and people, and myself; but most of all I loved my sin.
I ran to find my small group leader, who wisely questioned me and laid the truth on me. As much as it hurt, it was the Lord showing me my sin, in a light I had never seen it in before - in light of his holiness. I always knew in my head that the Lord was perfect, but that night my heart knew it. Frightening as it was, I cried out to the Lord and begged Him to save me from myself, and asking to be redeemed in Christ, that I may submit my life totally under his control. 

" If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

1 John 1:9

The only reason I can sit here, typing these words today, is because the Lord is faithful and just, and has cleansed me from MY unrighteousness. The Lord is the one who has enabled me to forsake my sin for His sake; to hate sin and love Him. Naturally I am a lover of self and a enemy of God. Only He can reconcile me to Himself. 

He is the one who has made me alive.

Looking back over the past year and seeing how the Lord has transformed my life, is amazing. I could not have done it on my own. Enough knowledge or behavior modification couldn't have saved me, let alone changed my heart. I really have no words for it. I fail often, struggle daily, and often need rebuke. But through it all the Lord has been faithful and loving to me, illuminating my eyes to see truth, and has set a beat in my heart to love Him.

I have no idea why He would choose to save me, but He has, and His work continues daily, in ways I can't comprehend.

I just really love my Savior; He is the perfect redeemer, and ever faithful to Himself. 
I can not look back to July 28th and the events that took place that day in order to have confidence in my salvation. I look to the cross firstly, and to the Resurrection of Christ, which have secured redemption for those who believe. Secondly I look at the new heart the Lord has given me. I myself am a reminder that it is not of myself, but an unmerited, undeserved gift from the Lord. By Him I am a new creature. 

"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

Stepping off that bus three days later, back in Los Angeles, was a whole different story. I looked forward to having the Lord work in me, and seeing which path He would direct me to, and how the rest of my life would play out.
Life, for me, began 365 days ago, and will continue for eternity. On this Earth for a short time, but with my Savior forever.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD."
||Psalm 27:13-14||

awestruck.

"And the Lord said to Job:
'Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
He who argues with God, let him answer it.'
Then Job answered the Lord and said:
'Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
twice, but I will proceed no further." || JOB 40:1-5 ||

This particular passage of Scripture has been on my mind all week; literally. The context of these verses is absolutely beautiful, and if you want to, read chapters 38-42. After Job receives bad advice from his friends, who saw suffering solely as a result of one's sin, he finally hears some sound advice; from the Lord himself. The Lord asks Job many questions for the purpose of giving Job a proper perspective on his own state, and the Lord's magnificent and indescribable glory. 
"Can you life up your voice to the clouds, 
that a flood of waters may cover you?
Can you send forth lightenings, that they may go
and say to you, 'Here we are'?"  ||JOB 38:34-35|| 


After all of this questioning, Job is reduced to silence, seen in chapter 40 verses 1-5. The whole picture of Job laying his hand over his mouth, because he now realizes he was wrong to question God, is absolutely amazing to me. Its a picture of humility and contrition. In going through trials or circumstances that are difficult, I pray that this would be my response; weighed down and silenced by the utter power of the Lords complete, infinite, cosmic power. w o w.
How often do i lose sight of this perspective! And the Lord has definitely been quick and extremely gracious to me by always showing me his sovereign hand and His perfect character.  
"Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?" ||Job 2:10a||
Genesis 3:18 talks about 'thorns and thistles' that will come as a result of the fall. Both literal thorns, and those thorns that are trials, hardships, heartbreak, and despair. But I forget this so often; that all comfort was lost in the fall. Once sin entered the world, comfort was lost, and only the Lord can bring it back; by giving Himself to us, although I am a wretched worm, undeserving of any sort of 'favor' or grace from the Lord. And Psalm 62:6 says "He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken."
The Lord is our only source of comfort. There have been times where i have literally felt similar to the description in Psalm 32:4b "My vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer."Times where the only thing I have had to cling to was the Lord, and he has faithfully been there, comforting me, leading me back to the cross, hiding me in the shadow of His wing, and protecting me as ONLY he is capable of  doing. And he did all of this for someone who hated him, sinned against him, and who's sin nailed him to the cross. Amazing. I don't understand it one bit apart from Gods grace; He would have been equally as just and perfect if He had allowed me to burn in hell the first day I was born. 
With that; ALL I can do is lay my hand over my mouth.