A Young Womens Guide: Preparing for a Christ Centered Marriage.

The past few weeks I have been writing a topic paper for my biblical counseling class. We were required to write a 5- page paper on any topic relating to Marriage and Family. Bill Shannon recommended this topic to me, and I am so thankful that I chose to do it. Seriously I was so encouraged by my study in this area, so I thought I would share my paper on my blog. It is kind of lengthy, but the Scripture and resources I used definitely encouraged me a lot! 

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A Young Womens Guide: How to Prepare for a Christ Centered Marriage.

So many young women in today’s churches have been infected with the “dating disease.” This “dating disease” produces the need to be constantly in a relationship, and feelings of utter inadequacy if their weekends are not spent out on dinner dates with the most desirable of young men in the church. The world today inundates young, single women with the idea that when you are single, you’re just living in a party world, with no need for responsibility; However as women who profess Christ, this could not be farther from the truth.  Instead of seeing our single life as a curse, and a long period of “free time,” we ought to wisely strive to know Christ more, and prepare ourselves to have a God- honoring marriage in the future. As writer Nancy Wilson says, “We have to know more than how to be a good wife, we have to know how to be good Christians, and if we are good Christians we will be good wives and mothers.” There are endless ways to prepare for marriage, both spiritual and practical. In this paper we will see what scripture has to say about how we, as young women of the Lord, ought to live in preparation for a God-honoring marriage in the future.

            Firstly, and undoubtedly most importantly, a young woman must fear the Lord be devoted to seeking him. Just as Colossians 3:1 says, “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.” We as Christians are fundamentally commanded to seek the Lord, before we seek anything else.  Hebrews 11:6 echoes this, stating, “and without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God, must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” Chasing after a boyfriend is husband is idolatry, and demonstrates a lack of trust in God’s word, which says in Psalm 84:11b-12 “No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you.” If a young woman is completely content in the Lord and seeks him, she will guard herself from making a hasty decision to marry someone of questionable character. In her book The Excellent Wife, Martha Peace says, “Our desires are only as good as our willingness to wait on God’s timing.” God is the originator of marriage, so it obviously is not wrong to desire to be married: However, it is wrong to make marriage an idol, and seek it before the Lord. He knows our hearts better than we do ourselves. As Jeremiah 17:9 says “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick, who can understand it?” Thus we must trust him to provide the right person, at the right time, and solely set our hearts desire upon pleasing our Lord and Savior. Fear of the Lord is the bedrock of preparation for any Christian woman, and a gift to her marriage. Proverbs 31:30 states it best, saying, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”  Women preparing for marriage should be counseled to seek men who are devoted to the Lord first and foremost, and to know the Scriptures in order to make sure her motives and relationship are pure and right.  In churches today, I think we dilute the importance of being single minded for the Lord, and discount discontentment as just a ‘normal’ longing for something good; marriage. I think it would be wise for many counselors to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, seeing that these women’s hearts are not hidden in the Lord, but rather immersed in the secular need to be accepted and loved be a man. If we have the Lord, we have all that we need, anything good in addition to him is an added display of his grace for us. Parents, likewise, ought to be instructed to teach their children to fear the Lord and trust in Him for all things, rather than the focus being on practically preparing their children for the future, and assuming that because they go to church, they will be spiritually prepared.

            Secondly, a young woman preparing for marriage must be in a discipleship relationship with an older woman in the church. As commanded in Titus 2:3-5, “Older women, likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled,” older women must shepherd younger women in the teaching of the scripture, and likewise, young women must be seeking out the wisdom of older women. As Susan Hunt says in the book Becoming God’s True Woman she explains that “Our relationship with God is personal, but not individualistic. When he adopts us into his family, our relationship with him means that we are also related to His other children.” She also explains that these discipleship relationships are covenantal. “Living covenantally means that we are our brother’s and sister’s keeper. Women nurturing women is simply one way we live covenantally. […] This is not a self-enrichment program. These are covenant relationships that are centered on glorifying God by reflecting his grace to one another.”  This is more than mere fellowship, but relationships that cultivate a love for the Lord, his word, and sound judgment. In addition to being commanded to be under the teaching of more mature women in the church, Solomon in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 shows how it is wise to have close relationships to another because, “Two is better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, and has no one to lift him up!” Women in counseling need to be pleaded with to seek out older women in the church, and to create a close accountability relationship with them. This goes beyond the counseling room, and can in many ways become more personal because of the amount of time that can be devoted to the relationship.  Older women, likewise, need to be aware that younger women are looking up to them, and that the Lord has commanded them to guide them.  They must be aware of this, and live lives obviously and clearly in an upright manner, as to not cause a fellow sister in Christ to stumble.

            Thirdly, a young woman preparing for a Christ honoring marriage must be diligent and not lazy. In the Bibles most extensive passage on the virtues of a godly wife, Proverbs 31, it says in verse 27 “She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” Being diligent is more than just getting everything on your list done. It is planning your time with the purpose of maximizing it for the Lord’s sake. In Ephesians 5:15-16 we are told “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of time, because the days are evil.” Proverbs 21:5 also says “The plans of the diligent lead to sure abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.” The Bible is crystal clear on how we are to live, especially in regards to this area. Diligence honors the Lord and brings blessing, and laziness marks the way of the foolish, and its only outcome is destruction. This is critical, not only in preparation for marriage, but also in being a useful slave of Christ. As single women, we must realize that our time is a blessing! We may do the Lords work, and come alongside his people, without neglecting the responsibility to a family. Jackie Kendall says in her book Lady in Waiting, “As a single you have a wonderful opportunity to use your time to maximize your fellowship with God.” I firmly believe that how we manage our time as singles is how we will manage it when we are married. In counseling we must help women to realize that marriage is not a light switch that turns you on to living fully in accord with the Lords desires. We must encourage women who struggle with this to see it for what it really is; a failure to understand the gospel. On the cross Christ redeemed all of our sin. Every wasted moment and word was paid for, so why do we go on living as if it does not matter that he shed his blood for out laziness? Shouldn’t our Savior, who paid for our sins with his life, be the one who dictates our time? As women it is so much easier see our potential husbands as greater motivation for diligent living, rather than the true reason we are to do so; because the Lord commands us to, and we are to honor him with our lives, as a living sacrifice.  Romans 12:11 commands us, as believers “Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.”

            Fourth, and finally, a young woman must be a servant. Philippians 2:3-4 instructs us to “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others as more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”  Being a servant is mirroring Christ’s example, because the “even as the Son of Man cane not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a random for many.” (Matthew 20:28) As redeemed slaves to Christ it is imperative that we follow his example of servant hood to others in the body. Marriage is all about being a servant to one another.  In all things we are to count others as more important than ourselves and do what is in their best interest. God made us each unique, with different gifts, and as 1 Peter 4:10 says “As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.” We are responsible to use our spiritual blessings to bless one another, and further the work of Christ. Whether it’s welcoming others into your home that need a place to stay, or donating money to missionaries in your church, the Lord can use any humble heart to do the work of his kingdom. Understanding this key principle is vital not only for marriage, but for being a useful worker of Christ. Young women and married women need to understand that service is commanded of those in the church, and having a servants heart will not only bless the server, but those around her being served. 

            Although there are many more spiritual and practical things that a young woman can do to be prepared for a Christ centered marriage, these things are repeatedly commanded in Scripture, and their main focus is pleasing the Lord.  In the Bible, being devoted to Christ is always commanded first, and from there, being a godly wife and mother will follow. If we as young women prepare for marriage this way, we will honor the Lord and bless our husbands.